Fish Wars Get Sexual
Recent news from the fast food wars came with a measure of shock if not awe. After surviving ten years of economic booms and bust without a single decrease in monthly sales, McDonald’s suddenly experienced declines in three of the last six months. Wendy’s and Burger King took significant territory in market share battles. McD’s responded by announcing a new strategy – to launch larger and more frequent “new product” offensives. Wendy’s plotted to increase its gains by re enforcing two fronts: by advertising its “superior ingredients,” and by promising to remodel stores with upscale amenities such as fireplaces. By partnering with Seattle’s Best on a new upscale coffee line, Burger King attacked one of McDonald’s strongest profit centers. In the fast food industry, wars may be fought with advertisements but they are won in the mouths of young men and women.
So Cityview dispatched this humble correspondent to observe how the latest tactics are playing on the frontlines. Probably the fiercest recent battles have been maritime. Trying to tap into the lucrative “healthy choice” market, four locally represented national chains launched brave new fish dishes. They are brave because seafood initiatives inevitably come with cross contamination issues that frighten corporate lawyers (who do not bill by the hour). That’s probably why Taco Bell has no fish tacos.
Taco John’s though is now promoting their version. I tried one that stuffed a flour tortilla with a deep-fried, cornmeal battered whitefish stick, plus lettuce, cheese, sour cream and a lime wedge. The fish stick flaked like unadulterated fish.
Wendy’s has been making some noise on this front with its Northern Pacific cod sandwich, heavily advertised as an upscale product hand cut from whole filets for flakiness and breaded in Panko for crunch. The one I was served delivered a beautiful looking piece of golden fish on a toasted white bun with tartar sauce and a leaf of iceberg lettuce. Looks were deceiving. My fish was so tough and fibrous I ended up spitting out all but the center of the filet. It had no flakiness whatsoever. From my experiences, this only happens when cooked fish spends too much time hanging around heat lamps. I suspect my experience was a bad mistake but I won’t bother going back to verify. Sea salt fries did not taste any fresher than the fish sandwich. Still, Wendy’s did not provide the worst fish experience I found.
In one of its heaviest advertising blitzes since the introduction of their “extra value” menu, McDonald’s countered Wendy’s success with their own new McFish Bites. These were advertised as Alaskan pollock, as if that was a good thing. A cynical teenaged friend described them as “the bastard offspring of Ore-Ida tater tots and Van de Kamp’s fish sticks.” For comparison sake, I ordered a Filet-O-Fish sandwich, a product that McD’s has been serving since 1962. That older product tasted more like fresh fish and less like breading. Even its tartar sauce tasted less like salt and pickle brine.
Back in the “looks are deceiving” department, the best tasting new fish product I found, by far, came with burnt edges and what looked like excessive seasoning.
To counter its lack of pulchritude, Hardee’s launched their new char broiled Atlantic cod sandwich with a sexually suggestive Super Bowl ad in which Danish bikini model Nina Agdal touts the orgasmic prowess of its 500 calories. Probably because it’s hard for food processors to mess up a naked piece of fish, this compared well to broiled fish sandwiches in full service restaurants. Unlike other fish sandwiches I tried, this one came with a slice of tomato.
Political Correctness & Fast Food
America’s fast food industry behaves more like its network television industry every year. Both spend billions of dollars researching and launching new products. Then, despite all that investment, neither hesitates to dump a new production if audiences don’t immediately respond. Pizza Hut introduced their pizza sliders in February with Super Bowl advertisements. I found them perhaps the most edible products yet from that Yum Brands giant. I could order as few as three, for $5, and specify up to three different toppings on each, making them a decent cheap snack for three kids. Before March Madness had peaked though, Pizza Hut through them on the dung heap of fast food fiascos. “Nobody bought them,” explained my local Pizza Hut worker.
Those pizza sliders were replaced by “crazy cheesy crust” (CCC) pies that pack over 50 percent more fat into each slice, compared to comparable regular crust pies. My CCC pie appeared to have 12 cheese-stuffed bread bowls grafted onto its trunk in an Americanized version of similar pizza served internationally. In Asia, Pizza Hut stuffs the bread bowls with hot dogs and in the Middle East with mini cheeseburgers. Their success is as mysterious as that of “The Big Bang Theory.”
CCC pizza are symptomatic of an industry-wide retreat from political correctness. In previous decades, social pressures enticed fast food giants into providing “healthy choices” that flailed in the marketplace. They allowed executives to sleep better but they pissed off their investors. After seeing their market share drop, industry leader McDonald’s threw stockholders a meatier bone last month and dumped their fruit & walnut salads. They were far behind the curve though. At the Coralville Steak ‘n Shake I recently discovered that company’s new “7×7” burger crammed seven burger patties and seven pieces of American cheese between buns. Yum Brands’ Taco Bell, which was caught using horsemeat for beef in the UK, recently reported record sales for their new “Cool Ranch Doritos” tacos, which replaced fried tortillas with a much saltier, modified Doritos shell.
In the current millennium, no company has flaunted political correctness as successfully as Hardee’s. In 2001, at a time major fast food giants were introducing “healthy menus,” they launched their gut busting Thickburger. In advertising it, Hardee’s has consistently bullied the PC mindset. Thickburger’s first spokesperson was steroid supermodel Mark McGuire. Its most successful spokesperson was supermodel Padma Lakhsmi whose 2009 ad launched the “Western Thickburger.” Wearing spiked heals and sweating through a cleavage revealing dress pulled up to her crotch, Padma devoured a messy burger while licking spilled sauce from her legs and arms. Straight women and gay men both told me that ad made them question their sexuality. Hardee’s stuck with this format through a string of bikini supermodels.
This year’s new Thickburger launch though is more campy than sexy, featuring Heidi Klum as Mrs. Robinson from “The Graduate.” It flaunts PC thinking by introducing alcoholic brand loyalty to a younger generation. My “Jim Beam Bourbon Burger” came with crisply fried onion straws, pepper jack cheese, two slices of bacon, lettuce and tomato covered with Jim Beam bourbon-flavored sauce. At the new Hardee’s on Merle Hay, it was actually made to order and delivered to my table. “Charbroiling” was simulated. Hardee’s no longer uses coals. Both the burger patty and its honey wheat bun ranked above other fast food choices in town. The bourbon sauce was probably the sweetest BBQ sauce I ever tasted.
Side Dishes
Last year I wrote about state of the art, live bait vending machines. Recently I toured their manufacturing plant at The Wittern Group. That company designs vending machines for myriad distributors and private companies. Such machines include high security devices and both heating and cooling systems. They dispense $1 coins as change and accept all kinds of transaction cards. Data technologies alert vendors when machines need to be restocked. LED lights reduce their carbon footprints. Multiple barriers allow three different temperatures within a single machine. And they’re made right here in Clive.
Taco John’s though is now promoting their version. I tried one that stuffed a flour tortilla with a deep-fried, cornmeal battered whitefish stick, plus lettuce, cheese, sour cream and a lime wedge. The fish stick flaked like unadulterated fish.
To counter its lack of pulchritude, Hardee’s launched their new char broiled Atlantic cod sandwich with a sexually suggestive Super Bowl ad in which Danish bikini model Nina Agdal touts the orgasmic prowess of its 500 calories. Probably because it’s hard for food processors to mess up a naked piece of fish, this compared well to broiled fish sandwiches in full service restaurants. Unlike other fish sandwiches I tried, this one came with a slice of tomato.Political Correctness & Fast FoodAmerica’s fast food industry behaves more like its network television industry every year. Both spend billions of dollars researching and launching new products. Then, despite all that investment, neither hesitates to dump a new production if audiences don’t immediately respond. Pizza Hut introduced their pizza sliders in February with Super Bowl advertisements. I found them perhaps the most edible products yet from that Yum Brands giant. I could order as few as three, for $5, and specify up to three different toppings on each, making them a decent cheap snack for three kids. Before March Madness had peaked though, Pizza Hut through them on the dung heap of fast food fiascos. “Nobody bought them,” explained my local Pizza Hut worker.Those pizza sliders were replaced by “crazy cheesy crust” (CCC) pies that pack over 50 percent more fat into each slice, compared to comparable regular crust pies. My CCC pie appeared to have 12 cheese-stuffed bread bowls grafted onto its trunk in an Americanized version of similar pizza served internationally. In Asia, Pizza Hut stuffs the bread bowls with hot dogs and in the Middle East with mini cheeseburgers. Their success is as mysterious as that of “The Big Bang Theory.”CCC pizza are symptomatic of an industry-wide retreat from political correctness. In previous decades, social pressures enticed fast food giants into providing “healthy choices” that flailed in the marketplace. They allowed executives to sleep better but they pissed off their investors. After seeing their market share drop, industry leader McDonald’s threw stockholders a meatier bone last month and dumped their fruit & walnut salads. They were far behind the curve though. At the Coralville Steak ‘n Shake I recently discovered that company’s new “7×7” burger crammed seven burger patties and seven pieces of American cheese between buns. Yum Brands’ Taco Bell, which was caught using horsemeat for beef in the UK, recently reported record sales for their new “Cool Ranch Doritos” tacos, which replaced fried tortillas with a much saltier, modified Doritos shell.In the current millennium, no company has flaunted political correctness as successfully as Hardee’s. In 2001, at a time major fast food giants were introducing “healthy menus,” they launched their gut busting Thickburger. In advertising it, Hardee’s has consistently bullied the PC mindset. Thickburger’s first spokesperson was steroid supermodel Mark McGuire. Its most successful spokesperson was supermodel Padma Lakhsmi whose 2009 ad launched the “Western Thickburger.” Wearing spiked heals and sweating through a cleavage revealing dress pulled up to her crotch, Padma devoured a messy burger while licking spilled sauce from her legs and arms. Straight women and gay men both told me that ad made them question their sexuality. Hardee’s stuck with this format through a string of bikini supermodels.
